[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
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You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.