Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
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Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters