They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
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Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Dude just wanted a popsicle…