The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
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Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.