Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
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“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
#parenting
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.