I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
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*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.