Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
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Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
I just tested negative for patience.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Admin smashed it 😂
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Y’all ready for this
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?