Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
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People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Herpes is trending, good job people
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
can’t talk my ride’s here
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
The Wolf of Wall Street.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”