I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
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Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
181.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.