My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
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[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.