HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
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A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Finally!
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*