Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
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Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
notice
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.