[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
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Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.