My safe word is now just a dry cough.
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Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”