It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
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Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep