ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
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Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine