true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
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“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.