Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
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Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Strangers have the best candy.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no