Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
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You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.