The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
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4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
waiting for halloween be like:
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857