I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
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*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant