So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
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Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.