I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
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Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.