Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
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If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.