*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
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Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Match dot com, but for socks.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Lol
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.