Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
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Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good