To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
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Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!