joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
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Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*