My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
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Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.