by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
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Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
finally found a reasonable question
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
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Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.