It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
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Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Kermit goes Blue.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
this is so top tier i cant
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.