Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
You Might Also Like
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.