“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
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Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.