inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
You Might Also Like
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
A friend helps you before you need it
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight