“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
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To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.