[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
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Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.