[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
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Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too