I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
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Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years