Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
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REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Encore…
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.