Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
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I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
23. the denim jacket
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
January is lasting longer than my marriage
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?