I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
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The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)