My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
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My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
i wish we could shoplift online
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me