(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
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That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead