[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
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5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”