when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
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Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.