It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
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I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Need WebMD
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.