*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
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Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.