I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
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Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon