Meanwhile in Portland…
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im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
🤣
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
finally found a reasonable question