By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
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When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
congratulations to them
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed